It has surprised me that as I sit and type today tears are falling down my cheeks. I didn't see that coming, for I never cry on this day ANYMORE, although I did for many years.
For me, this day ...
represents HOPE.
On this very day, 15 years ago, I lived through the most
HOPELESS
day of my
LIFE.
So what's changed? How can I feel HOPE today? Well, it's because May 26th exists. It is proof that even though we have hard days ... even hard weeks, months and sometimes years ... there are happy days ahead.
The following post was written 6 years ago and it seemed appropriate to re-share today.
"The Saddest Day of my Life"
written May 26, 2009
Sometimes I think it is good to remember the saddest day of your life. It helps reminds us on bad days that we've had worse... and we've made it through.
The saddest day of
my life came
written May 26, 2009
Sometimes I think it is good to remember the saddest day of your life. It helps reminds us on bad days that we've had worse... and we've made it through.
The saddest day of
my life came
I've looked them every day since, for they sit on the shelf beside my bed. They are right by the pictures of Tyson and Dillon.
They belong to our
"Baby Boy"
... that is his name.
They belong to our
"Baby Boy"
... that is his name.
He was born unexpectedly early 9 years ago.
He was old enough to be delivered ... Old enough for us to hold him and take his picture... Old enough for us to count his 10 perfect fingers and toes... Old enough for us to miss him when we had to say goodbye.
Sadly though, he wasn't old enough for us to bury him... Not old enough to have anywhere to go for solace.
In my effort to find a place, I was guided to
this box...
this box...
My broken heart is stored here, along with all the things that belong to
"Baby Boy".
It is kept up high in my closet and comes out now and again. It came out a lot at first, but not so much now. However, it came out today... and today I smiled.
"Baby Boy".
It is kept up high in my closet and comes out now and again. It came out a lot at first, but not so much now. However, it came out today... and today I smiled.
So much has happened since I filled that box. A lot of sadness, a lot of fear, a lot of unmet dreams. But alas, a lot of
PEACE.
Two other little boys were born within days of
"Baby Boy"
each belonging to one of my brothers. At the time I thought my heart would burst if I dare look at either of them. I had bought each of the 3 babies the same little gray BEAR. I feared to deliver the 2 as I tearfully placed 1 in the box. Somehow, I did it. I know the Lord helped me.
PEACE.
Two other little boys were born within days of
"Baby Boy"
each belonging to one of my brothers. At the time I thought my heart would burst if I dare look at either of them. I had bought each of the 3 babies the same little gray BEAR. I feared to deliver the 2 as I tearfully placed 1 in the box. Somehow, I did it. I know the Lord helped me.
Yesterday one of those boys spent the morning of his 9th birthday at our home. His face doesn't bring me sadness anymore, not one bit ... only joy. As I looked at Coy conked our in the car holding his new bat while wearing his new helmet and gloves, all I could do was smile.
I realized the heartache of 9 years ago has long since been replaced with
PEACE.
I celebrated my birthday last week on the 18th. I didn't remember until today, while looking through the box ... that 9 years ago, on the 18th, was THE DAY I learned
"Baby Boy"
no longer had a heart that could beat.
I was reminded how the usual joy filled birthday cards had been replaced by one's of SYMPATHY ... just what I needed then.
9 years ago, I didn't think I could ever celebrate my birthday again and feel happy. However, we celebrated just yesterday... happily.
I, again, realized that the heartache of 9 years ago has long since been replaced with
PEACE.
As I look back 9 years ago today, I can clearly see myself. I was so angry with the Lord. I remember telling him that one day as I screamed at Him from my living room.
Then, just as clearly, I remember the feeling I got as my screaming turned to sobbing ... and eventually to
PEACE.
Today is a very different day from that of 9 years ago. My tears are not coming from a broken heart... but of a heart that knows the Lord loves me.
I became very sick just 4 months after
"Baby Boy"left me. If he had been allowed to stay with me, I could not have taken care of him. Heavenly Father knew... and now so do I.
He is sweetly taking care of
"Baby Boy"
for me... for now. He is not even mad that I screamed at Him. He loves me anyway.
He's been the one to lead me, guide me and walk beside me until I could find my way to ...
PEACE.
Today I am there.
So those were my feelings 6 years ago and today they haven't changed. My soul is still filled with ongoing
PEACE.
Ironically enough, yesterday I celebrated my birthday again with the Lifeguard. It was a happy day, full of laughter, family, strawberry shortcake ... and best of all filled with undeniable heaps of
PEACE.
Also yesterday, that boy who was sleeping in his car six years ago celebrated another birthday. He reminded me that "Baby Boy" would have been 15 years old today. I smiled at the thought and again felt
PEACE.
This morning Jeff and I reminisced. We talked of the GREAT BLESSINGS we have received as we've WORKED TO TRUST in the plan that has been laid out for us. We felt THANKFUL for the wisdom of our Heavenly Father, who could see THE BIG PICTURE when we could not. Today is a day filled with
PEACE.
This old life throws us curve balls! Sometimes they hit us smack-dab in the head and so often, in the
HEART!
I think we all wish we could duck and avoid them, for they HURT!! But alas we know they are part of our mortal existence, to shape us into who we are meant to be.
My prayer for you today ... 15 years after the saddest day of my life ... is that you'll know our Heavenly Father loves you and will not leave you to walk your path alone, so please, don't loose
HOPE!
So those were my feelings 6 years ago and today they haven't changed. My soul is still filled with ongoing
PEACE.
Ironically enough, yesterday I celebrated my birthday again with the Lifeguard. It was a happy day, full of laughter, family, strawberry shortcake ... and best of all filled with undeniable heaps of
PEACE.
Also yesterday, that boy who was sleeping in his car six years ago celebrated another birthday. He reminded me that "Baby Boy" would have been 15 years old today. I smiled at the thought and again felt
PEACE.
This morning Jeff and I reminisced. We talked of the GREAT BLESSINGS we have received as we've WORKED TO TRUST in the plan that has been laid out for us. We felt THANKFUL for the wisdom of our Heavenly Father, who could see THE BIG PICTURE when we could not. Today is a day filled with
PEACE.
This old life throws us curve balls! Sometimes they hit us smack-dab in the head and so often, in the
HEART!
I think we all wish we could duck and avoid them, for they HURT!! But alas we know they are part of our mortal existence, to shape us into who we are meant to be.
My prayer for you today ... 15 years after the saddest day of my life ... is that you'll know our Heavenly Father loves you and will not leave you to walk your path alone, so please, don't loose
HOPE!
3 comments:
I love you
My dear Krista,
I marvel at the way you can use words to bring the rest of us peace as we read your writings. You have gone through the refiner's fire, & I have seen how you always seek our Heavenly Father's help when you face trials. I love you, & we're so blessed to have you for our daughter-in-law!
Thank you for sharing, sometimes peace can be allusive but it can also be right where it needs to be.
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