A reminder of HOPE ... 15 years.

It has surprised me that as I sit and type today tears are falling down my cheeks.  I didn't see that coming, for I never cry on this day ANYMORE, although I did for many years.

For me, this day ... 

represents HOPE.

On this very day, 15 years ago, I lived through the most 

HOPELESS 

day of my 

LIFE.

So what's changed?  How can I feel HOPE today?  Well, it's because May 26th exists.  It is proof that even though we have hard days ... even hard weeks, months and sometimes years ... there are happy days ahead.

The following post was written 6 years ago and it seemed appropriate to re-share today.

"The Saddest Day of my Life"
written May 26, 2009

Sometimes I think it is good to remember the saddest day of your life. It helps reminds us on bad days that we've had worse... and we've made it through.

The saddest day of 
my life came

9 years ago today.

Nine years ago today I first saw these tiny feet...

I've looked them every day since, for they sit on the shelf beside my bed. They are right by the pictures of Tyson and Dillon.  

They belong to our 
"Baby Boy"
 ... that is his name.   

He was born unexpectedly early 9 years ago.

He was old enough to be delivered ... Old enough for us to hold him and take his picture... Old enough for us to count his 10 perfect fingers and toes... Old enough for us to miss him when we had to say goodbye.

Sadly though, he wasn't old enough for us to bury him... Not old enough to have anywhere to go for solace.

In my effort to find a place, I was guided to 
this box...

My broken heart is stored here, along with all the things that belong to 
"Baby Boy".  
It is kept up high in my closet and comes out now and again. It came out a lot at first, but not so much now.  However, it came out today... and today I smiled.

So much has happened since I filled that box.  A lot of sadness, a lot of fear, a lot of unmet dreams.  But alas, a lot of 
PEACE.


Two other little boys were born within days of 
"Baby Boy"
each belonging to one of my brothers. At the time I thought my heart would burst if I dare look at either of them. I had bought each of the 3 babies the same little gray BEAR. I feared to deliver the 2 as I tearfully placed 1 in the box. Somehow, I did it. I know the Lord helped me.

Yesterday one of those boys spent the morning of his 9th birthday at our home. His face doesn't bring me sadness anymore, not one bit ... only joy. As I looked at Coy conked our in the car holding his new bat while wearing his new helmet and gloves, all I could do was smile.

I realized the heartache of 9 years ago has long since been replaced with

PEACE.

I celebrated my birthday last week on the 18th. I didn't remember until today, while looking through the box ... that 9 years ago, on the 18th, was THE DAY I learned 
"Baby Boy"
no longer had a heart that could beat.

I was reminded how the usual joy filled birthday cards had been replaced by one's of SYMPATHY ... just what I needed then.

9 years ago, I didn't think I could ever celebrate my birthday again and feel happy. However, we celebrated just yesterday... happily.

I, again, realized that the heartache of 9 years ago has long since been replaced with
PEACE.

As I look back 9 years ago today, I can clearly see myself. I was so angry with the Lord. I remember telling him that one day as I screamed at Him from my living room.

Then, just as clearly, I remember the feeling I got as my screaming turned to sobbing ... and eventually to
PEACE.


Today is a very different day from that of 9 years ago.  My tears are not coming from a broken heart... but of a heart that knows the Lord loves me.

I became very sick just 4 months after

"Baby Boy"
left me. If he had been allowed to stay with me, I could not have taken care of him. Heavenly Father knew... and now so do I.

He is sweetly taking care of 
"Baby Boy"
for me... for now. He is not even mad that I screamed at Him.  He loves me anyway.

He's been the one to lead me, guide me and walk beside me until I could find my way to ...
PEACE.

Today I am there.



So those were my feelings 6 years ago and today they haven't changed. My soul is still filled with ongoing
PEACE.

Ironically enough, yesterday I celebrated my birthday again with the Lifeguard.  It was a happy day, full of laughter, family, strawberry shortcake ... and best of all filled with undeniable heaps of
PEACE.

Also yesterday, that boy who was sleeping in his car six years ago celebrated another birthday.  He reminded me that "Baby Boy" would have been 15 years old today.  I smiled at the thought and again felt
PEACE.

This morning Jeff and I reminisced.  We talked of the GREAT BLESSINGS we have received as we've WORKED TO TRUST in the plan that has been laid out for us. We felt THANKFUL for the wisdom of our Heavenly Father, who could see THE BIG PICTURE when we could not. Today is a day filled with
PEACE.

This old life throws us curve balls! Sometimes they hit us smack-dab in the head and so often, in the
HEART! 

I think we all wish we could duck and avoid them, for they HURT!!  But alas we know they are part of our mortal existence, to shape us into who we are meant to be.

My prayer for you today ... 15 years after the saddest day of my life ... is that you'll know our Heavenly Father loves you and will not leave you to walk your path alone, so please, don't loose
HOPE!

Have FAITH in the Lord

The other day a loved one sat in my kitchen eating a giant muffin from Costco.

She said she'd have a blueberry one if I had butter, which I did.

I helped myself to a chocolate one that had been warmed in the microwave so the inside was all gooey and full of deliciousness.

With our comfort food sitting before us, we talked of deep thoughts and feelings.  It feels good to do that with a TRUSTED FRIEND now and again ... and it's much cheaper that going to a therapist!

As we sat there contemplating life, something unexpected spilled out of my friend.  She expressed how sometimes she feels the world looks upon children who have struggles in their lives, such as drugs, alcohol, violence and related problems ... and blames their behavior on bad parenting.  

Do we do this? 

Some of the most wonderful and FAITHFUL parents I know have children who have chosen to walk a different path ... at least for now.

Some would say those parents should FORSAKE their children until they change ... but that is not how parenting works ... we love our children no matter what!  We learned that trait from our Heavenly Father who never forsakes us ... who knew we wouldn't be perfect ... and loves us anyway.

As I prayerfully stared at my computer from 11:00 PM - 4:00 AM last Friday night, in preparation for the talk I was to give on Mother's Day morning, this is another lesson I learned ...

I recall a time as a young mother when 

FAITH 

came into play for me.

       

        

Dillon was probably 2 or 3 years old when he disappeared!  I was home alone at the time.  I called for him but he didn't answer.  I looked in every closet and under every bed.

He was nowhere!

I remember running outside, screaming his name ... hoping he would answer me.  I looked at the Butler's house thinking maybe he was there, for Aunt Jeri used to lure him in with promises of bananas.

But I quickly realized they were not home in fact, as I stood in the middle of the street, I realized none of my neighbors were home!  The thought came into my frantic mind ...

"Dillon is gone and I will never be able to find him."

I ran back into the house and grabbed my phone to call

As I did, I had the distinct impression to STOP AND PRAY ... one more time.  I almost dismissed the impression, for I had been praying non-stop for a SOLID HOUR in my searching for him.

But I put the phone down and prayed 

ONE MORE TIME.

Then I rose to my feet, walked in his bedroom, and looked under his bed ... AGAIN.  This time I CRAWLED under his bed and lifted up the dust ruffle, which was right up against the wall.

There I found him fast asleep.

Sometimes in life ... children are lost.

They are not under beds.

They are not merely asleep.

They are living lives

that have lead them away 

from our Heavenly Father.

      

As parents, it's hard when we call for them and they don't answer.  It's frightening when we watch the choices they are making and it's heartbreaking when the thought crosses our minds ...

"They are gone ... they'll never come back."

I have a dear friend in whom this is 

HER REALITY

She came to visit me the day Dillon left for his mission.  She brought a plate full of cookies, but not just any cookies.  She had gone from store to store, bakery to bakery, buying one or two at each location to make a plate of what she called "the best cookies in the county"!  She said I deserved them for having FAITH to let Dillon go for two years.

I wasn't feeling faithful.  She found me in quite a PATHETIC state after having said goodbye to my baby boy.  She was in no hurry to leave and her visit helped dry my tears.

Before she returned to her home, she gave me a tight squeeze and whispered in my ear these words:

"Sometimes the only thing we can do is have FAITH that Heavenly Father will watch over and care for our children!"

As our embrace ended, I saw tears in her eyes.  I knew she wasn't just talking about Dillon and his mission.  I knew she was also talking about her own children, who've not only been lost for an hour, but have been lost for many, many years.

In those whispered words, she shared with me her testimony and a most sacred truth.  In this life, which is filled with trials and hardship, FAITH IN THE LORD is the only way to find ...   

My dear friend is such an example to me in EVERY way.  She is kind and never judging of others.  She has been and still is, an EXCELLENT MOTHER, who, like Father-in-Heaven, will never give up on her children ... just as it should be.  She will forever continue to pray

ONE MORE TIME

as she puts her FAITH in the Lord.

Have FAITH in Yourself!

 A few weeks ago Bro. Jefferies showed up at my door. 

 He wore a smile and greeted me with a hug and a kiss ... because Jeff comes from a family of "kissin' cousins" and Bro. Jefferies is not only his counselor in the Bishopric but also his cousin ... and now mine!  

We love him!

 As soon as I saw his face I could sense something was UP and I was tempted, just for a minute, to run and hide.  Well, I should have followed my instinct because something was indeed "UP"!  He was visiting me to invite me to speak in Church on ...

It wasn't the actual "speaking" that made me want to run.  I've spoken to Stake Center's full of people a couple times and even packed football stadiums.  It was the SUBJECT of the assignment and the OCCASION  that had me spooked!

   I'm no fool!!   

I know the feelings that can accompany Mother's Day. 

It is an emotional day, 

usually involving tears!

HAPPY tears and sometimes NOT-SO-HAPPY one's,

followed by POSITIVE feelings or NEGATIVE.

I've been the recipient of all those emotions at different times in my life.

Hence, the weeks since my assignment came knocking have been filled with stewing and worry.

 Never before  

 have I been 

 so nervous 

 to speak! 

I wrote my talk a few days prior and sat down Friday night to look over it, Friday night at 11:00 PM ... NOT smart!  As I stared at the words, they didn't even make sense anymore.  I prayed and knew, without a doubt, it was the wrong message.  So from 11:00 PM - 4:00 AM I humbly and VERY PRAYERFULLY re-wrote it.

I sat on the stand Sunday Morning looking into the eyes of some of the GREATEST WOMEN I know.  Once again a feeling came into my mind that the words on my paper were not exactly what I was suppose to say.  

So I prayed again, then I stood.

As I got on Facebook Monday morning I was not surprised to find posts rejoicing that Mother's Day was OVER.  

But tears filled my eyes as I read the status of one of the sweetest mother's I know.  To quote her:

I'm just going to say it.... I HATE MOTHERS DAY!!

Of all people, SHE is the kind of mother whom I think our Heavenly Father is so pleased with ... the kind of mother who loves and see's the best in EVERYONE'S kids ... and she was so frustrated with the holiday.

So I thought perhaps I might share with you and her, one of the things the Lord taught me from 11:00 PM - 4:00 AM Friday night and then taught me again as I sat on the stand Sunday morning.

 

In 2011 Pres. Uchtdorf gave a powerful message to women

"Forget Not to be PATIENT with yourself"

Then he continued ...

"God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect.  Let me add:  God is also fully aware that the people you THINK are perfect are not.  And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others - usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths." 

I think this is something so many of us struggle with, and

NOT 

because anyone is trying to "keep up with the Jones".

I believe our intentions are truly just to be the very best we can be.

When Dillon was just a little boy he wanted to be just like Tyson!  Not only that, he wanted to do everything just as well as Tyson even though he was

  FOUR YEARS 

younger than him.

           

I can remember Dillon being SO FRUSTRATED one day.  I sat him on my lap and he CRIED.  That's the good thing about "baby" boys, they will still let you hold them when they're sad even though they're growing up.

I can't remember what his particular frustration was about but I can remember what I felt I should say to him and as time has passed I've come to realize that feeling was DIVINELY inspired.  I said:

"Dillon, this world doesn't need TWO Tyson's"

Dillon thought on that for a long time and there were many days I had to repeat it to him.  Eventually he came to realize it was TRUE.  He came to appreciate Tyson's gifts, but best of all ... he came to appreciate his OWN unique gifts!

My testimony of this has grown as our sons have received their mission calls.

Tyson was called to 

New York City!

People would often ask if I was scared about him going there. I would always say, "NO! Tyson was born a New Yorker! But I would be scared if Dillon was there!" Tyson's gifts were given to him in the pre-existence so HE could make a difference in New York City!

Dillon was called to the

Dominican Republic

where he has fallen in love with Dominican music.  If you know Dillon ... you know he loves to DANCE!!!

 Can you imagine him dancing in the streets of New York City?!  Heaven's No!!  Those New Yorkers would not be impressed!  But he can dance in the Dominican Republic and the people there laugh and SMILE at him.  HIS gifts are the kind the Dominican's need.

Heavenly Father 

has sent each of us here with very different gifts.  

Jeff serves as a bishop in our church and has shared with me how thankful he is for the individual gifts each person in our congregation possesses.  If we were all the same, the ability to bless the lives of others would be lost.

Our ward does NOT need 100 "Krista's"

but it does need ONE

and it also needs ONE Jeri

and ONE Rachel

and ONE Jan

and ONE Kristina

and ONE Christy

 and on and on and on 

and this world surly needs 

ONE of YOU!

So no more comparing yourself to all the "perfect" mother's and the "perfect" people who are not perfect at all.  

The truth is, NO ONE is perfect!

But you can be "perfect" in appreciating your individual gifts and doing your best to share them with those who so desperately need them.  Sometimes YOU are the ONLY person who can touch the life of another in need.  

So stop looking around for someone you think you should be like, and look around for someone who needs you, because YOU are ...

Tune back in for another lesson I learned Friday night from 11:00 PM - 4:00 AM