The saddest day of my life came
They belong to our "Baby Boy" ... that is his name.
He was born unexpectedly early 9 years ago.
He was old enough to be delivered ...
Old enough for us to hold him and take his picture...
Old enough for us to count his 10 perfect fingers and toes...
Old enough for us to miss him when we had to say goodbye.
Sadly though, he wasn't old enough for us to bury him...
Not old enough to have anywhere to go for solace.
In my effort to find a place, I was guided to
this box...
My broken heart is stored here, along with all the things that belong to "Baby Boy". It is kept up high in my closet and comes out now and again. It came out a lot at first, but not so much now. However, it came out today... and today I smiled.
So much has happened since I filled that box.
A lot of sadness, a lot of fear, a lot of unmet dreams.
But alas, a lot of PEACE.
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Two other little boys were born within days of "Baby Boy". Each belonging to one of my brothers. At the time I thought my heart would burst if I dare look at either of them. I had bought each of the 3 babies the same little gray bear. I feared to deliver the 2 as I tearfully placed 1 in the box. Somehow, I did it. I know the Lord helped me.
Yesterday one of these boys spent the morning of his 9th birthday at our home. His face doesn't bring me sadness anymore, not one bit ... only joy. As I looked at Coy conked our in the car holding his new bat while wearing his new helmet and gloves, all I could do was smile.I realized the heartache of 9 years ago
has long since been replaced with
PEACE.
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I celebrated my birthday last week on the 18th. I didn't remember until today, while looking through the box, that 9 years ago on the 18th was THE DAY I learned "Baby Boy" no longer had a heart that could beat.
I was reminded how the usual joy filled birthday cards had been replaced by one's of sympathy ... just what I needed then.
9 years ago, I didn't think I could ever celebrate my birthday again and feel happy. However, we celebrated just yesterday... happily.
I, again, realized that the heartache of 9 years ago
has long since been replaced with
PEACE.
---------------------------
As I look back 9 years ago today, I can clearly see myself. 
I was so angry with the Lord. I remember telling him that one day as I screamed at Him from my living room.
Then, just as clearly, I remember the feeling I got as my screaming turned to sobbing ...
and eventually to
PEACE.
Today is a very different day from that of 9 years ago.
My tears are not coming from a broken heart...
but of a heart that knows The Lord loves me.
I became very sick just 4 months after "Baby Boy" left me. If he had been allowed to stay with me, I could not have taken care of him. Heavenly Father knew...
and now so do I.
He is sweetly taking care of "Baby Boy" for me... for now. He is not even mad that I screamed at Him.
He loves me anyway.
He's been the one to
lead me, guide me and walk beside me
until I could find my way to ...
PEACE.
Today I am there.
15 comments:
Wow Krista, You are a ROCK!!! I had no idea. I'm sooooo sorry but sooooo glad you have found peace. You are an incredible person and a great example as you have endured your trials. I don't hear about much of the going ons in g-ville so I am sorry I wasn't much of a friend or a support. You have got an amazing husband and family. I will look forward so seeing your "Baby Boy" and your family complete someday!!! Thanks for sharing!
What a beautiful post! Thank you so much for sharing your inner most thoughts and feelings. You are a great example to all of us. Thank you!
Krista,
I just wanted to let you know I love you! You are such an example to me! Thanks for just being you! I am so thankful to have you in my life!
I remember this time my dear friend, very clearly! I remember your sad face at church, not understanding why exactly- just knowing you were sad. I understand now sweet lady, now, after having children, I understand why your face was sad. But now I look at you, your face isn't sad anymore-- your always smiling. That is proof enough to me, that God works miracles, and that we heal. Always. Your a strong woman, a strong mother. I admire you, love you, and pray for you. Your faith, your courage, gives me strength! Here's to finding peace!!
My heart is so full, and the tears smear my eyes, as I remember that day as if it were yesterday!
As my heart pounds, how grateful I am for a daughter who saw past the pain and hung onto the hope, desire and faith and allowing it to enable the Plan of Salvation to spur you on.
What a wonderful day it will be when we unite with our loved ones and become overwhelmed with JOY as we fully understand why we experienced the things we did here on earth. What a joyous day it will be indeed!
I love you and the great strength you portray.
Incredible!
Krista,
You are so strong and I just want you to know how much I admire you. During my many days of longing for a baby (not near as many as you've had) I would often think of you and it would give me strength.....you are a great example and one day we will all know the answers to these tough "life" questions. My list is getting pretty long. Thanks for sharing such a personal, heartfelt experience. I remember it like it was yesterday and marvel at you & Jeff and your courage. I love you and your such a example to me.
Kari
Wow! I can't believe it has been that long! It feels like yesterday. But I am so grateful you have found peace! Heavenly Father loves you! And so do I! You are a great example. I am so grateful to have you in my life.
Em
I had no idea, Krista. Thank you for sharing this. I have one of those little gray bears YOU gave me when I graduated from high school NINE YEARS AGO...it nows sits on Ethan's toy box amidst all his other little treasures. I used to wonder why I've held on to that little bear for so long and I think it was just because it reminded me of you/of family...I am SO GLAD I did. Now it will remind me to be strong, faithful and that there is PEACE in the Lord. Love you.
As with Rachel I had no idea. I believe the Lord only put us though trials we are able to bear. I also believe that you and your family will one day be able to raise this strong little man. I admire you Krista; for the woman and mother you are. Love you!!
With tear filled eyes...I thank you!
I knew it was late in May but had forgotten the date.
As I read your post it brought back those same feelings I had that day. I, too, was angry for a while and had many questions. But, as I've watched you grow and find that peace that you needed, I to was able to move on some. But, I still want to know the answers someday....we will, I'm sure.
I love you and Jeff so much. I hope you know that.
Wow! You are amazing! Thank you for sharing that with us. I really needed a good cry tonight, to add to all the other tears of the day. Thanks! Lisa G.
Comments on Facebook in 2010:
Rachel Brand: ♥
Beth Anderson Marshall: I love you! Thanks for sharing your heart with us.
Michele Beck Brand: Thank you for sharing that with us :)....
Lacey Sue Williams: My sweet friend, my tears are flowing for you, as they did the first time I read this tender blog- I understand even more now- of the pain and the heartache you went through. I admire your courage, your faith, and your strength. Thank you for always being an example to me. I ♥ you!
April Ogden Shores: Thank you for sharing, You are such an AMAZING STRONG woman... I have always looked up to you ! Thank you for your wonderful example !!! :)
Keysha Marshall Mecham: Wow....I am amazed by you. I'm thankful for your willingness to share your experiences so that my faith can grow. Thank you for the reminder that peace does come. You are an amazing and strong woman!!
Diane Orgill Chatwin: Very touching experience. Thank you for posting the link. I am a better person for the interaction I have with my FB friends.
Linda Rapp Hammond: Thank you for sharing that with us, I think I really needed that at this time. It really brings everything into perspective. Just wanted you to know I love you and I am so glad for your friendship.
Shirley Watkins: Awe Krista. Thanks for sharing that with us. I too lost a baby nine years ago a baby boy in December of that year! I am sorry to hear of your loss as well, but what a bond. I also lost my mom in Jan of the next year. Thanks for your inspiring Blog entry. I wish they had a place that we could have buried our babies. I have three waiting for me. I understand how you feel. I am truly sorry for your loss. That would have been very very hard specially on your birthday. I can't even imagine. Happy birthday to your baby boy too. That is so cool you share that special day together.
Krista I just love your blog!! When I first read this in May I cried.... I couldn't even imagine what it was like for you or even now as I have a tiny glimpse but still am amazed at what a strong wonderful and great example you are to me. Thank you!
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