Get it out !!!!!

Reading Instructions:
To get the full effect of this post, there will come a point were you need to read really FAST ... so you can feel the realness of the situation.  I will let you know when that point is.

So yesterday was baseball try-outs for GHS.

Upon my return home from a meeting, 

I converged

on Hummer's room

and asked...

"Did you make the team?!"

I got a non-committal,

"Uh-huh"

A smile crossed my face

as I jubilantly shrieked,

"Tell me about it!"

"Tell me about it!"

To which Hummer replied,

"I'm tired of telling about it. 

I've already told the story."

Well, obviously this boy forgot

I AM the one who

brought him into this world!

(Which as I recall, wasn't that much FUN!)

When I pointed out this fact,

he threw me his phone.

Apparently he'd told Tyson all about it

I was informed I could READ about it!

Rolling my eyes, I took the phone.

As I read, I smiled

for the words made me realize

how much my sons love

each other.

Then suddenly...

 I an OLD text appeared.

Immediately I knew I wanted

more information.

So I quietly sent a text from Dill's phone knowing Tyson

would think it was Dill and reply with all honesty.

Then I sat quietly...

waiting...

waiting...

 for a reply

Instructions:
This is where the chaos begins.
Read quickly to get the full effect.

My silence tipped Dill to know

something was not right.

When he asked,

I quietly slid his phone

underneath myself.

He started

pushing and pulling me,

trying to free the phone!

I tried to hold my own but soon found myself

on the floor with him hovering above me.

With the phone in one hand and realizing

the 15 year old could easily overpower me,

I did the only thing I could do,

I put the phone down my...

I knew he wouldn't go after it there and I was right.

However ... I forgot ... he POKES.

He began poking me relentlessly.

I was hollering for

the Lifeguard 

but my voice was muffled

since my face was

smashed into the carpet.

I tried to holler again

but couldn't 

because the poking caused

uncontrollable laughter!

I did not want to laugh,

the poking hurt terribly

but it was in a spot that caused 

spontaneous,

unmanageable laughter.

The teenager was shouting

"GET IT OUT!  GET IT OUT!"

Then he would burst into uncontrollable laughter!

It was maddening!

"JEFF!  JEFF!  JEFF!" ...
Laughter! Laughter! Laughter! ...

Oh make it stop already!!

"JEFF!  JEFF!  JEFF!" ... 

Laughter! Laughter! Laughter! ...

Oh! The pain of the poking!!

"JEFF!  JEFF!  JEFF!" ... 

Laughter! Laughter! Laughter! ...

When I first fell upon the floor I was on my hands and knees

but by this point I was flat on my face!

The teenager was on my back, like a

lion attacking a hyena!

(A Laughing Hyena!)

Time-out ...

Time-out ...

Did I mention I was in a...

DRESS? 

Gives you a whole new visual doesn't it!

Thoughts raced through my head

"Where is the Lifeguard?"

"Why is he not coming?"

Finally, I decided to give it one last effort.

I screamed at the top of my lungs,

"Jeff, I need you!!"

From the other room I softly hear,

"What do you need Honey?"

 REALLY JEFF?

At this point,

I know Hummer's poking

has surly

broken a rib

His phone has traveled down

my pantie hose

and I can hear a

computerized woman's voice

telling me to

speak more clearly.

Speak? ... My HECK ... I'm near passing out!

Again, I get gather all the energy of my soul.

"JEFF ... I am dying!!"

Followed by that stupid, unwanted laughter!

Finally I hear footsteps coming ... very slowly.

The Lifeguard enters and very calmly asks,

"Hummer, what are you doing to your mother?"

 REALLY JEFF?

"Get him off !!!"

I scream

Then unwantingly, laugh my head off.

The boy is finally lifted off my back

and in between the laughter Hummer tells the Lifeguard

I have his phone down my pants.

The Lifeguard is confused.

Just then ... 

The phone vibrates ...

It's Tyson answering

Dillon's text!

Hummer lunges for me.

I take off down the hall.

I'm scrambling to pull the phone
out but dang,

it's half way down my leg,

stuck in those

blasted pantie hose!!

Finally I've got it in my hot little hands!

Then I hear these words being spoken

from across the room

 (in between gasps for air)

"Tyson!! ...(huff, huff) ...
... it's mom ... (puff, puff) ...
... she has (huff) ... she has ...
... (puff) ... my phone! (huff) ...
... Do not reply to any texts ...
... Do not reply to any texts!! ...
... It's her, Tyson ... it's her ...

... not me!"

That little weasel got on the LAND LINE!

No one uses the land line!!

DANG! 

I was soooo close!

I almost had 'em!

The teenager then smiled

and tossed me the phone

where I heard the Saint say,

Mom, you need to...

Yeah, I've heard that somewhere before.